my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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