Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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