I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm jealous of your bromance
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
