Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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