I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
