im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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