i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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