my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
