y did u give ur computer a hand job?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
