When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize