Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
