the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I didn't notice because vodka
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
