i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
