hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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