When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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