the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
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