I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
