watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
