Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
