I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
