Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
