I could make wine with my vomit
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I touched a dick in church today
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
