I wish I could punch you in the face.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
