Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
