i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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