he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
