That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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