I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
