Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
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