did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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