We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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