i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
