My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
How does one acquire holy water?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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