i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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