1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You need a sexual gate keeper
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
