I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
