My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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