3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize