seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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