I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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