i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
