when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
