Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
