ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
