drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
