I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
