I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
