Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
