woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
