I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
