Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
