It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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