Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
