Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
