note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize