Nicole vs. Life
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
