I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
