I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
