I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
