Swine flu is the new snow day.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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