i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
