I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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