I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
