I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize
