never play flip cup with pint glasses
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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